Title: "Lines"
Fandom: Dead Poets Society
Pairing: Todd [Ethan Hawke]/Charlie [Gale Hansen], Todd/Neil [Robert Sean Leonard]
Author: MonaR. (aka Mona Ramsey, aka Mona)
Story #: 513.
Series: Sequel to "The Game", "Body Heat", "Ash", "Known", and "Time".
Webpage: the bare skeleton of one is at:
http://www.geocities.com/monaram/
Rating: R.
Warnings: Semi-explicit slash (m/m) content between teenaged boys.
Archive: Yes to The Marrow of Life only.
Notes: I don't use betas. :( Any mistakes are solely my fault and the fault of my *#^&@ spellcheck. ** is used for emphasis, // for thought. Any weird characters should be hunted down and killed.
Feedback: Yes if you're moved to write me by the story, no if you think that *unless* you write me, I won't write any more stories. Anyone with even a glancing knowledge of my posting history (this *is* my 400-and-something-th story) knows that isn't true. Feedback is gratefully accepted and responded to whenever possible. Flames are buried in the backyard, along with a few skeletons.
Spoilers: Not really.
Summary: When things happen between Neil and Todd, Todd must make a realization about himself - and Neil, and Charlie.{I think I've been avoiding this story. I hate that. I've got one in SN I don't want to write, either. You'd think by being the person who puts the stuff down on the page that I would have some content control. . .}
"Lines"
by MonaR.
monaram@yahoo.com"And then you draw the line there, and if you calculate the angles out, you get the right answer." Todd drew the final line on the paper, and turned his head to look at Neil.
It was the third time that Todd had demonstrated the solution to problem three, but Neil still looked puzzled. "You can go over it until you're blue in the face, but I'm still not going to understand it."
"Well, I don't understand it either, but what does that matter?"
Neil chuckled, but said, "But if I don't understand it - "
"You get the right answer, Neil. That's all they care about. You honestly think that Mr. Greenley goes through every single calculation on every single page? He just looks at the answer, and if you get it right, then you get the mark." Neil was giving him a bemused look, and Todd grinned, but then Neil shifted his eyes, and the whole atmosphere seemed to change. "What?"
Neil shook his head, but he lifted his arms off the back of Todd's chair and took his glasses off. "What what?"
Todd closed his math book. "That look. You were giving me that look again."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You've been giving me this look ever since - " Todd had to stop; even now, it was hard to acknowledge the way his life had changed over the past couple of weeks. "Ever since you found out about Charlie and me." He shrugged, and tapped his fingers restlessly on the textbook in front of him. "It's like - it's like you want to say something, but you keep stopping yourself."
"I don't want to say anything."
"Okay." Todd made a show of sharpening his pencil, watching the wood-curls fall on his paper. "I just - if there's anything that you - "
Neil took the sharpener out of his hands on put it down on the desk, and when Todd looked up at him, suddenly he was just right *there*. Afterwards, he would think, I didn't say anything, didn't do anything, didn't pull away, even though I knew what was going to happen. Neil looked like he was scared to death - he looked the way he usually looked when his father came for a surprise visit, like he just wanted to disappear. He looked the way Todd felt most of the time - except when he was in the dark cave at one of the Dead Poets meetings, and when he was with Charlie.
If anyone had asked him, later, when he was alone and able to think clearly, Todd would have told them that his lips opened by reflex, just by reflex, because that was what he did when Charlie kissed him, he opened his mouth so that he could taste him, so he could feel Charlie's tongue in his mouth. But this wasn't Charlie's tongue, it was Neil's, and Todd couldn't pretend for even an instant that he didn't know that. There wasn't any answer he could have given if someone asked him why his hands came up around Neil's shoulders, to tangle in the soft hair at the back of his neck. All he could think was that this was would be so easy, to be like this with Neil all the time - so much easier than being with Charlie.
Neil was his roommate, and his friend - his first friend at Welton, and his best friend, even counting Charlie, who was something different altogether. Ever since the first day he'd arrived, all Todd had wanted was for Neil to be his friend, because he knew that the other boy was going to be very important in his life. Neil was romantic, and sensitive, and he got excited about so many things that you couldn't help but get excited with him. Todd liked him so much, and he knew that being like this with Neil would be so good, so easy. There would be less sneaking around with Neil, less fear of getting caught -Neil would never have cornered him in a bathroom stall in the middle of the night and just kissed him, not without knowing how Todd felt, first, and if such an advance would be welcome. There wouldn't be any of the sharp, prickly, frightening feelings that he felt when he was with Charlie -the fear of what he might do, the fear that they'd get caught, the fear that some of Charlie's blazing passion would just incinerate him completely. Loving Neil would mean having the steady, deep love of a friend; Charlie was something different altogether. All of those things flashed through Todd's mind in milliseconds, and then he realized that he was thinking about Charlie even while he was kissing someone else, and it struck him suddenly how *wrong* this all was.
Neil was holding him so tightly that it hurt, and Todd had to push very hard against him to get him to stop. It was a struggle on more than one level to break the kiss. "Neil," Todd said, but stopped when he saw the look on Neil's face. At first, Todd just thought that Neil seemed shocked that he'd actually kissed him, but it took him a few seconds to realize that Neil was looking not *at* him, but just beyond. He turned his head, and wondered how it was that he hadn't heard the door open.
The look on Charlie's face was one that instantly seared onto Todd's brain. He didn't look angry at all, just - devastated, and showing more hurt than Todd could ever remember seeing before, on anyone. And then all emotion drained out of his face, and all that was left was ice. There was nothing in his eyes, and his mouth curled up into a lifeless, familiar smirk that made Todd's chest ache. He bowed his head slowly at the two of them, his hand still on the doorknob, and closed the door.
Todd couldn't move, he couldn't speak. He just kept looking at the closed door, and thinking how hard it would be to open it again, and how easy it would be to keep it closed forever. And then he thought, life isn't meant to be easy.
He suddenly realized that Neil was talking. "He had to find out," Neil said. "I'm sorry that it was like this, but - it'll be okay. He'll get over it, Todd. Todd?" Neil shook him, a frown on his face. "Todd, say something."
"Neil," Todd said, finally, shaking his head. "I can't."
"Okay, you don't have to," Neil said. "I don't expect you to do any of this stuff by yourself, Todd. I'll be there for you, all the way." He moved closer to where Todd was sitting. "It isn't anybody's fault, and Charlie will understand. He has to, once we explain it to him." Neil's hand ruffled through Todd's hair.
"No, *you* don't understand, Neil," Todd said. "I can't do this with you. It isn't what I - I just - I just *can't*," he said, and then he ran out the door.
**********
Charlie wasn't in his room, he wasn't in the attic, and he wasn't in any of his regular haunts around the school. Nobody Todd talked to had seen him, and although Todd scoured as much of the school on his own as he could, he couldn't find him anywhere. When he went back to their room, Neil was gone, and Todd felt a little pang of gladness and guilt combined; he knew he would have to talk to Neil eventually - they *were* roommates, unless Neil found some way to change rooms before mid-term, which was unlikely - but his primary and most immediate concern was finding and talking to Charlie before it was too late - if it wasn't too late already.
He *had* to find Charlie. Todd grabbed a flashlight and his coat and a blanket off his bed, and sneaked down the back stairs. It would mean missing dinner again, but he was getting used to it. Besides, Nolan always believed him when he said he'd had a stomach ache, and sent him along to the school nurse; there was something to be said for having the innocent sort of face that no-one believed could ever conceal the truth.
He only hoped that Charlie would be able to see the *real* truth through the facade.
**********
Todd trudged through the woods. Charlie hadn't been by the lakeside, where they'd been together, before - the unspoken words to describe what they'd done there echoed through his mind. It hadn't just been sex, and Todd didn't know why he couldn't have seen that before. Charlie loved him, he'd told him that, and he'd touched him and kissed him and made love to him in the tall grass by the lake. It had been incredible.
If he wasn't in the cave, then Todd didn't know what he'd do. If Charlie wasn't in the cave, then that meant that he'd run off somewhere; if he stayed out overnight without permission and anyone at the school found out, he'd get expelled. He'd used up all of his second and third and fourth chances already, and Mr. Nolan was just looking for an excuse to kick him out of the school permanently, rich father or no. Charlie had told Todd already how his father threatened him regularly with military school, but it was a point of pride for any parent to have a Welton graduate for a son - and Charlie's father himself had gone there. Still, this would be one problem that would take a lot to make disappear.
"Please be here," Todd said, and sped up his pace as he approached the mouth of the cave. It wasn't very dark, yet - the sun had only just set, and the sky was still kind of purplish, but he turned on the flashlight as he entered the cave.
Charlie stood there, by the deadened remains of the last meeting's fire, smoking, and staring at him. "What took you so long?" he asked, as he crushed out the butt. "Oh, I forgot - you were busy, weren't you?"
"Charlie - "
"Where's Neil?" Charlie asked, craning his neck to see. "Don't worry - I'll go before he comes, so you two can have some privacy. I wouldn't want to get in the way of your - what is this, a date? Or is it just a quick fuck, like it was with me? Do you do this with everyone in the school? Alphabetical order, and you're already up to the P's?"
Todd winced at that, but stood his ground. He knew that Charlie needed to get this anger out of his system, and he couldn't help but feel that it was more than a little deserved.
"You know, the thing I *really* can't believe? How well you suckered me in with that innocent act of yours. I should have *known* it was all a load of bull, right from the first - but dammit, I *wanted* to believe it." Charlie chuckled, hollowly. "I guess that just proves how stupid I really am."
"No, you're not."
Charlie ignored him. "I guess you two must have had a great laugh, at my expense. Tell me one thing, though - how long has this been going on with you and Neil? I'm assuming it's since the beginning of the term. I must have really been in the way."
"Please stop talking, Charlie," Todd pleaded. "Please."
"Fine," Charlie said. "You talk, then. Or better still, don't. I'll leave." He made to walk past Todd, but Todd grabbed on to him.
"No. Don't leave. Just - sit. And listen to me."
"Let go of me, Anderson."
"Charlie, sit *down*."
Charlie looked startled for a moment at Todd's sudden show of vehemence, but he sat down.
Todd squatted down beside him. "I love you."
"Right. And you thought that the perfect way to prove to me how much you 'love me' was by kissing Neil."
"It doesn't make any difference, and it isn't an excuse because I don't have any excuse, but Neil kissed *me*," Todd said. "And, yes, I wanted him to - I'm not going to lie to you about that. I wanted him to, because he was my friend and then he wasn't, and I thought - I thought that if I could love him that way, the way that he wanted me to, that he would be my friend again. But it doesn't work like that, Charlie - you can't just love someone because you *want* to, or because you think it'll be easier that way, or because you don't want to lose their friendship, or because it's new and different and you want to feel *something*." He knew he'd have to talk to Neil about that, when he got back to the school. "It just happens, like us. I didn't want to love you, but I do." He reached out to touch Charlie's face and was immeasurably relieved when Charlie didn't flinch away. "Loving you is hard, and it scares me. The only thing in my life that has ever scared me more was seeing that look on your face when you walked in and saw Neil and me, and knowing that I caused it."
Charlie was silent for a long time, so long that Todd's legs started to cramp from squatting still in one place, but he didn't even consider moving, not until Charlie said something.
"He loves you," Charlie said, finally.
"I don't think so," Todd answered, slowly. "He just thinks he does."
"He does. How could he not?" Charlie lifted up one of his hands and brushed the thumb against Todd's cheek and said, "You're going to hurt him, you know."
Todd nodded. "I think I have, already. He'll get over it."
"I hope so."
Forgiven, Todd's legs just seemed to collapse, then, and he fell into Charlie's arms, which came around him automatically, like they were meant to be there. Charlie grabbed the blanket Todd had brought with one hand, from where it had dropped to the ground, and wrapped it around both of them. "He's just confused," Todd said, burrowing into the warmth. "I understand confused."
"Were you?" Charlie asked. "When he was kissing you, were you confused?"
"It felt good," Todd said, "and all I could think was how easy it would be to just give in to that feeling. And then all I could think was how much I didn't want it to be easy, because being easy would mean not being with you." Todd looked up. "This is more than just fooling around, Charlie; I'm in love with you, you know."
"I know."
"So why didn't you tell *me*?"
Charlie laughed, and patted his pockets for his cigarettes. "Telling you wouldn't have helped. It's just something you have to figure out on your own, Anderson." He lit a cigarette and took a drag.
"Thanks a lot, *Dalton*," Todd retorted. "You smoke too much."
"I know that, too. I need something to do with my hands, and my mouth."
Todd's mouth twisted into a grin. "I can think of better things than smoking."
"No," Charlie said, sharply, and Todd frowned. "I mean, not here, not now," Charlie explained. "Not like this."
"Why?"
"And people think I'm the one obsessed with sex," Charlie teased. "Look, it's late and getting later, and if we don't get back to the school soon, seeing each other after today isn't going to be an option, because I'm going to be kicked out."
"Right," Todd said, pulling away. "That's why I came after you. I thought maybe you were going to - "
"Run away from school? I considered it. Then I considered about fifty ways to make your life and Neil's a living hell, and it seemed like a better choice, even if I did have to watch the two of you and eat my heart out while doing every single one of them."
"You would have done that, too, wouldn't you?"
"Eat my heart out?" Charlie asked. "Yeah."
"No," Todd said. "Tortured us."
"Oh, yeah. Definitely," Charlie grinned.
Todd just shook his head, but he couldn't help but smile, too. The look on Charlie's face was the antithesis of the hurt smirk that he had been wearing earlier, and it made Todd's heart leap around in his chest. He wanted nothing more than to stay here all night, but he knew that Charlie was right, and they had to go back. Reluctantly, he stood up, and folded the blanket in his arms.
Charlie took Todd's free hand and pulled him out of the cave. It was dusk, now, and it would soon be dark, so they hurried through the woods. Just before they hit the clearing, Charlie kissed Todd on the mouth, softly. They ran the rest of the way back to Welton.
**********
Todd slipped inside the room, apprehensive and then relieved when Neil wasn't there. It wasn't until he took off his coat and hung it up that a little panicked thought occurred to Todd: what if *Neil* had been the one to run off? He told himself that it wasn't likely; no matter what Charlie said, Todd didn't really believe that Neil was in *love* with him. He was just lonely, and curious, and confused, and -
Neil walked in the door before Todd could finish his thought. He stood there a little awkwardly in the doorway, then went and sat at his desk with his back to Todd, and opened up his math book and put his glasses on.
"Neil," Todd said.
"Look, you don't have to say anything," Neil said, without turning around, his words measured carefully. "I made a mistake, and I'm sorry. It won't happen again. If you want to trade rooms, I could ask Haber to put Cameron in here with me."
The suggestion sent a little thrill through Todd's mind, followed by a pang of guilt, and he realized that Charlie was right - here, *now*, wasn't the time; not when Neil was hurting. "No," he said, shaking his head. "Neil, don't be mad."
Neil's shoulders sagged a little, and he turned his head. His eyes were stricken, and sad, and he took off his glasses. "I'm not mad," he said. "At least, not at you."
"Don't be mad at Charlie, either. It isn't his fault."
"Isn't it?" Neil asked, temper flaring. It subsided as soon as it appeared, though. "He got to you first. I guess that isn't his fault, though. He knew a good thing when he saw it. I'm not mad at him, either."
"Don't me mad at yourself, then," Todd said. "Neil, you're my best friend. I don't want to lose that. I don't want things to be uncomfortable between us, or between you and Charlie, because of me."
"They don't have to be," Neil said. "I'll get over it." He smiled, a little. "You're not *that* irresistible, you know."
Todd grinned back. "Now you tell me."
Neil turned back to his homework and Todd lay down on his bed with a book. They lapsed into a comfortable silence for a couple of minutes, and then Neil suddenly asked, "What does it feel like?"
Todd shook his head, confused by the question. "What does what feel like?"
"Being in love."
"It's - wonderful. Scary. Terrifying, actually, but - good. Really good." Todd shrugged. "I can't explain it."
"I don't know," Neil said. "I think you explained it pretty well." He turned back to his work. "I'll know what to look for, now."
Todd bit his lip, and waited for Neil to say something else, but he didn't. He lay there on the bed and read the same page of his book over and over again, until it was time to wash up and get ready for bed.
The End
MonaR.