Title: Solace Unexpected
Author: Brooke (neverwhere00@yahoo.com)
Fandom: Dead Poets Society
Pairing: Todd/Neil
Rating: PG-13*****
"The world's first unmanned flying desk set!"
"Oh my! Well, I wouldn't worry about it...you'll get another one next year!"
*****
After our experiment in aerodynamics, Neil and I decided that it would probably be much better if we went back to our dorm room, for it was much to cold to talk, and there wasn't much left to do anyway. As soon as I had gathered my books and insincere birthday greetings, we walked side by side through the dull winding halls of Welton Academy, towards our dreary gray room and the little privacy that it allowed. I concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, but I found that I was moving sluggishly, as if in a dream. Neil walked quietly beside me, thinking of who-knows-what, while the both of us lapsed into a comfortable silence. Alone in my thoughts, I almost wished that I was somewhere else for my birthday, somewhere far away from the isolation of 'Hell'ton and my brother's reputation. But then I thought of Mr. Keating, and the Dead Poets, and the fact that I never would have met Neil if I had been in any other part of the world.
He stayed close beside me as we climbed the stairs, slowly making our way up, floor after floor. His shoulder brushed mine, and I briefly thought of my parents, and my brother, and about how I would much rather have spent my birthday throwing a desk set off a bridge with Neil than spending it with my entire family. I should have been surprised, but I wasn't. I'd felt closer to Neil than I'd ever felt to anyone. I was drawn to him for some odd reason, as if he was somehow a side of me that I could never express...
We finally made it to our room, and I stood in our doorway, stripping off layer upon layer of wool and trying to keep warm, while at the same time, fighting to ignore the heat and breath of Neil at my back. I heard nothing but his breathing, faint amidst the sounds of rustling fabric, and I had the vague feeling that his chocolate brown eyes were studying me carefully.
After taking an eternity with his coat, he spoke quietly, as if he was afraid that I was on the brink of an emotional breakdown or something.
"Too bad your birthday had to be on horrible day...in such a crappy place too."
"It doesn't really matter..." And I knew that it didn't. It didn't matter to me, to my parents...nobody even cared, or so I thought.
"Of course it matters."
Absolute quiet reigned as I moved to sit on my bed, perfectly made up as I had left it that morning. Toying with my bedspread, I looked up at his face. I couldn't really read his emotions, I was never able to, but in the half-light of the room he seemed almost as morose and tragic as one of the heroes so often pictured in our poetry book. It seemed fitting for Neil though; everything he did in life was passionate and grand. As he set his scarf on his desk chair, he glanced in my direction. "It matters to me, you know."
I wasn't sure what he wanted me to say, so I didn't say anything at all. Instead I just sat, staring off into the distance as he slowly moved to lie on his bed. "Did you hear me Todd?" I nodded, tried to brush it off, "I heard you. But it's not like it matters to anyone, I'm not that important you know..."
He swiftly stood up, and for one terrified moment, I thought he was going to hit me. His eyes were flashing with that quiet anger I've seen when he talks to his father, and I instinctively scooted back into the corner of my bed where the wall was. He kneeled on the mattress and pinned me in the corner, his hands on my shoulders. I was trapped, back against the wall, his brown eyes intent on mine. And yes, I was scared out of my mind. "I've had enough of this...Listen to me Todd. You are VERY DAMNED IMPORTANT! Do you hear me?!"
I gulped... "N-Neil I..." He charged on, as he did in everything, "You are the only fucking person in this entire academy who understands me Todd, and I will not let you sit there thinking that you're a worthless piece of shit!"
"I KNOW Neil... Let me go!"
"No you DO NOT KNOW! And Not until you realize that you're a beautiful person inside, Todd... I CARE about you, damn it!" He abruptly dropped his bruising grip on me, and put his head in his hands. He was shaking, and I was huddled in the corner wondering what the hell had just happened. "N-Neil, I'm sorry...I..." He sniffled.
"Stop apologizing Todd." He looked at me for a long moment with a tear-stained face, and I realized that I wasn't the real focus of his anger. But before I could find the courage to tell him that I knew, before I could even touch him to ease his pain, he stood up, crossed over to his own bed, and lay down, facing the wall.
Still, I sat, at loss. Was he mad at me? Was he mad at himself? Would I only make things worse if I went over there and told him that it was ok for him to cry, to let all of his anger at his father pour out? Carpe Diem, I thought. Why the hell not.
I crawled out of the corner, and moved to sit at the edge of his bed, closer to his muffled sobbing. "Neil...?" Silence. Moving on instinct, I reached out for his hand, hidden under the bland coverings of his mattress, and when I found it, covered his slender beautiful fingers with my own clumsier ones. He drew in a surprised breath, but didn't bother to shy away. Drawing a shaky breath, I tried my hardest not to embarrass myself as I whispered to him.
"I...I'm sorry about your father...We can't choose our families...I know that we both could use better ones...uh...." I sat there, feeling stupid and rejected, intending to go no further out of fear of looking like more of an idiot, until he turned around to completely face me. His hand gripped mine tightly and he stared into the half-darkness for a long while before speaking.
"I'm sorry. It's just...my father...I feel sorry for myself enough as it is, without my heart breaking every time I look at you...you're such a wonderful person Todd...I just want you to see the same things that I see in you..."
His gaze locked on mine and I sucked in an astonished breath. No one had ever spoken to me with such tenderness and truth. No one else had cared about my feelings or thought that I had potential for anything other than being a businessman. I could feel my own tears springing up to match Neil's, and as the warm wetness made its way down my face I took a close look at him. He was spread out on his bed, hair ruffled, tearful eyes glittering in the shadows and this time I looked straight into his soul, and what I found there was love.
For one brief moment I was scared. Scared of what the world would think of me, what my parents would think, and what Cameron and Charlie would whisper...
Then I leaned forward, and kissed him, to take all of our pain away.
I wasn't self-conscious because I had moved on impulse, but before I knew what I was doing, I was lost in the warmth of his mouth, his Being, his passion; as if just by kissing him, he could pass these joys on to me ...
The moment he kissed me back, with an equal urgency, I found that I just didn't care what anyone thought of me anymore...
And a burden had been lifted from my shoulders.