Lost Chapter XX
by Esmeralda
Qui-Gon turned back to face his Padawan, his eye caught a glimpse of silver and his gaze was drawn toward the young man's chest. The Jedi Master's mouth tightened. Softly, Qui-Gon crouched down on the floor beside his lover and with trembling fingers he lifted the edges of the silk shirt aside. He felt a wave of revulsion and disgust so overpowering it almost choked him. "Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon stroked the young man's cheek gently, frowning at the icy cold skin //Obi-Wan?//.
Pale eyes focused on him slowly, and Qui-Gon was disturbed by the lack of emotion in their semi-lucid gaze. Gray-green eyes, once warmed with flecks of gold now glittered like polished gemstones - cold and hard. "Obi-Wan...I..." The words stuck in his throat, but Obi-Wan understood and nodded dully. Using the Force to assist his shaking hands, and to soothe his Padawan's abused flesh, Qui-Gon carefully removed the sliver hoops and slender chain. He clenched them in his fist for a moment, feeling the cold metal twist and bend in his grasp; then with a sound of disgust he threw them across the room.
Qui-Gon watched them skitter across the metal floor before returning his gaze to Obi-Wan. The young man had curled up on his side, knees drawn up protectively against his chest. Qui-Gon felt his grief rise up to choke him. "Oh my love..." His voice broke, and he lowered his head, dragging in a deep shuddering breath.
When he looked up Obi-Wan was still staring at him, his Padawan's features might have been cut from stone for all the life they held. Qui- Gon stroked Obi-Wan's cheek sadly. "We must talk my love..." He stopped as he felt Obi-Wan flinch. A wave of fear, shame and panic rushed forth from the young man, rolling over Qui-Gon before it was ruthlessly crushed behind Obi-Wan's mental shield. Qui-Gon felt his chest tighten as he tracked a single tear down his Padawan's white cheek. //Sssh. It's alright my love. Not now...Not now...//
Qui-Gon circled his arms around his Padawan and held the youth until Obi-Wan stopped trembling. Once he had, Qui-Gon drew back a little. "Can I stay?" Obi-Wan gave him a shaky nod and shuffled back, making room on the narrow cot for Qui-Gon to lie down. Gingerly, Qui-Gon took the place his Padawan had offered him, feeling the young man tense as their bodies brushed together. He held himself perfectly still until he felt Obi-Wan move forward a little, then he pulled him closer. Again the youth froze, before slowly relaxing into the embrace and nestling against him. Reaching out Qui-Gon snagged the corner of a blanket, drawing it up he tucked it around his Padawan
Qui-Gon knew he should get up and assist Nezan, but he was exhausted, and it seemed like a lifetime since he had held his Bond mate in his arms. He placed a tender kiss against the young man's temple and closed his eyes.
A thousand broken images assaulted him, chasing him through restless dreams...
*How could he guide Obi-Wan back from this?*
Epilogue
Obi-Wan could sense his lover's emotional turmoil. Qui-Gon seemed set in sorrow; deep lines of suffering and exhaustion etched into the Master's face. Obi-Wan ached to reach out and comfort his Bond mate, but his fear held him back.
His own emotions warred within him - anger, hatred, fear and wretched despair - as a churning mass of bitter, seething fury snaked inside his soul. Obi-Wan fought to contain it, sealing it behind a mental barrier he battled fiercely to maintain.
To reach out, to try to feel...*anything*, was to chance losing his fragile control - and to risk unleashing the darkness inside him. So instead he lay entombed inside a prison of his own making, trapped within a cold unfeeling shell.
Obi-Wan knew now that more than his body had been violated. It was as though Rigel had reached inside and ripped out the very essence of his soul, leaving behind this empty unfeeling husk.
The Padawan who had felt safe and content beside his Master...The Bond mate who had delighted in giving and receiving pleasure...The young man who had simply felt the warmth of Qui-Gon's arms around him... He no longer existed.
Everything seemed irrevocably altered.
Hot tears of loss and longing coursed down his cold cheeks. Their scalding heat did nothing to thaw the ice around his heart.
End.
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