Need Chapter XXI
by Esmeralda
Qui-Gon awoke feeling cold, and no less weary. His sleep had been fitful - moments snatched between troubled dreams. Obi-Wan lay tucked up against his side, one arm stretched across his chest - bandaged fingers balled into a fist. Qui-Gon unfurled them gently - using the Force to check their progress - grateful that, despite the young man's weak state, the burns and cuts had healed well. Obi-Wan murmured softly, lifting his head a little. Qui-Gon released the hand and touched his fingers to the youth's brow, "Ssh...Sleep Obi-Wan." At his gentle, Force impelled suggestion, the young man made another soft sleepy sound, before snuggling back against him.
Qui-Gon remained awake, monitoring his sleeping love for any sign of distress. He could sense the edge of Obi-Wan's pain - dulled now to an almost bearable ache; however exhaustion and the Force, were all that kept it from dragging Obi-Wan back to consciousness. Even now Qui-Gon could feel it growing, as the Mindus fed upon his Padawan. He tried to use the Force to push it back - though he knew his efforts were in vain...the Mindus' malign presence could not be crushed so easily.
A small frown settled on Obi-Wan's smooth brow, and the young man shifted uneasily. //Ssh...It's alright Obi-Wan...//. His Padawan settled again...but only for a moment. A tiny whimper, then Obi-Wan began to twist in his arms. Gray-green eyes shot open - a wild stare and terrified understanding. Qui-Gon tightened his embrace, as he felt the first painful spasm wrack his Padawan's trembling body.
"No...please...no..."
The youth's desperate plea almost broke Qui-Gon. He fought down his despair, determined not to surrender to its desolate embrace. "I've got you Obi-Wan...Ssh...It's alright, I'm here..." He kept up a litany of soothing words, holding Obi-Wan close as the young man convulsed in his arms. All the while he cursed his own helplessness, though he knew there was nothing he could do to ease his Bond mate's torment.
With each painful spasm Qui-Gon held his breath, willing it to pass quickly. Obi-Wan clawed at him frantically, bloody froth appearing at the corners of the young man's mouth - as Obi-Wan gnawed his lips and tongue in an effort to contain his cries. "No...No...Obi-Wan don't..." Qui-Gon gripped his Padawan's jaw gently, forcing himself to meet Obi-Wan's agonized gaze. //Don't try to hold back.// The youth stared at him wildly, then arched up as another spasm struck. //Obi-Wan!//
A choked cry...then a half stifled scream...then another...and another...louder...and louder...
Qui-Gon sat, tears pouring down his face, as Obi-Wan screamed in agony.
It seemed an endless stretch of time, but finally the fit passed - the pain receding to a dull throbbing ache. Obi-Wan lay still in Qui-Gon's arms. Qui-Gon gently lowered the youth onto the blankets; using a little of the water to wash the blood and tears from his Padawan's face. He was frightened by how pale Obi-Wan looked - the young man's face was little more than a death mask - without a trace of life or colour.
"Obi-Wan?" The young man didn't respond. "Obi-Wan?" Gray-green eyes opened slowly, "Here Obi-Wan, drink a little of this." Gently he raised Obi-Wan up a little, lifting the water canister to the young man's lips. Obi-Wan grimaced as he swallowed, and after only two sips, pulled away - shaking his head.
"No...no more..."
Qui-Gon set down the canister, and then helped Obi-Wan lie back down. The youth felt brittle, his movements stiff and slow; each shallow breath brought forth a wince, as though even this simple act caused great pain. "How...how much...-" Obi-Wan broke off - wheezing for breath; waving aside the offer of more water. After a moment or two, the young man was able to continue. "How much...longer will...this last?-"
Qui-Gon steeled himself to provide an answer. Lifting the young man's hand onto his lap, he clasped it gently within his own. "Two...Maybe three days." He felt Obi-Wan's fingers twitch in response to his words. "It may be less Obi-Wan," he tried to keep the desperation from his voice. "It depends on how much Mindus was in the compound..."
Qui-Gon's voice trailed off, and for a long moment neither of them said anything. However a question burned at the back of Qui-Gon's mind. He had fought hard against it - but it had resisted all his attempts to push it away - "Why?" Qui-Gon only realised he had voiced it aloud when he felt Obi-Wan try to pull his hand free. He looked down at his Padawan, who refused to meet his gaze; but now that it had been said the 'question' refused to be silenced - bringing with it all the churning emotions he had tried to bury with it. "Why Obi-Wan?...Why would you do such a thing?" He shook his head in wordless disbelief, tightening his grip on the young man's hand. "Why would you even need a sleeping draft?"
"I...I..." Obi-Wan looked at him briefly, before dropping his eyes to their clasped hands. "I...I'm tired..." The young man again tried to tug his hand free. "Please...Qui-Gon..." Qui-Gon closed his heart to the tears in the young man's voice. He *had* to know this...he *needed* to know this...for his sake...and for Obi-Wan's. It wasn't just the Mindus that was poisoning Obi-Wan ; there was something 'else'...something which had driven his Padawan to this desperate, foolish act. "Tell me Obi-Wan!" Qui-Gon caught the young man's other hand as it tried to twist away from him, gripping it tightly.
"I don't know!..."
"Obi-Wan!-"
"I don't...I..."
"Padawan answer me!"
"I was *afraid*!"
Stunned, Qui-Gon released his Padawan's hands.
The anger drained from Obi-Wan's voice as the youth added softly, "I...I just didn't know what else to do..."
Swallowing sharply, Qui-Gon forced himself to ask, "What were you afraid of Obi-Wan?"
"I...I...didn't want to remember...I didn't want to hurt you!" The young man's voice rose again in obvious anguish, as gray-green eyes turned on him, pleading silently for him to understand.
"Hurt me?!" Qui-Gon was unable to hide the bewildered confusion in his tone, "How?"
"By making you remember!" Obi-Wan was crying in earnest now, Qui-Gon could feel the young man's increasing distress through their link. Part of him wanted to stop...to take his Bond mate into his arms and give what comfort he could. He forced himself to hold back. Qui- Gon knew that this - *this* was the real reason for his Padawan's decline; *this* was the poison that had to be rooted out, so that Obi- Wan could find the strength to fight the Mindus. He needed to go on with this - he had no choice.
"Remember what Obi-Wan?" He reached for the young man's hands - they were icy cold. "Remember what?-"
"Naboo!...What...what happened...You...!-" Wild eyes stared at him, red-rimmed and tear-filled. The young man's voice dropped to a breathy whisper, each word forced out between broken sobs. "You...you died...-"
"No! Obi-Wan!" When Obi-Wan didn't respond, Qui-Gon released his Padawan's hands and caught hold of slender shoulders, shaking them gently. "Listen to me! *Obi-Wan*!" Dull eyes focused on him slowly. "I was *wounded* Obi-Wan...You *know* that!"
"Yes!" His Padawan's gaze sharpened bitterly, "But...but..." Obi-Wan paused, struggling to answer. "But...every time I see it - you die!" The young man's voice dropped to a pain-filled whisper. "You *die*..."
"Every time...?" Qui-Gon stared at his Padawan in confusion, the hopelessness in his Padawan's gaze burning into him.
"Every time I close my eyes...Every time I try to think...When I'm awake...When I'm asleep...I...I..." A soft broken sob, "I *saw* you die! I *felt* it!"
Qui-Gon felt his heart wrench at his Padawan's desperate words but he refrained from reaching for his Bond mate, though it tore at him to do so. He could sense that Obi-Wan wasn't telling him everything.
"What else Obi-Wan?" He was surprised at how calm his voice sounded to his own ears.
Obi-Wan seemed startled, "What...?-"
Qui-Gon kept his voice calm and soothing, "What else do you see? When you close your eyes?"
He felt Obi-Wan stiffen. Sliding his hands down the young man's arms he grasped the youth's wrists - Obi-Wan's pulse raced beneath his fingertips. Qui-Gon stroked his thumbs over his Padawan's cold skin offering wordless reassurance. For a seemingly endless moment Obi- Wan didn't answer; then the smallest of voices -
"Taogoa..." Qui-Gon felt an icy coldness claw at him. He willed himself to remain calm, but Obi-Wan must have detected his sudden tension, "It doesn't matter...Forget it...It...it's nothing..."
"Obi-Wan!-"
"No!" The young man lowered his voice to a desperate whisper. "No. It doesn't matter...It isn't important..."
"*What* isn't important?" Qui-Gon demanded, his voice rising. When Obi-Wan just shook his head, Qui-Gon tightened his grip. "Obi-Wan you *must* tell me!"
"I...I can't...!" Distraught the young man tried to twist away, tugging uselessly - struggling to free himself. "Please, Qui-Gon...I...I can't..."
"Obi-Wan-"
"No!" Obi-Wan looked at him beseechingly, "You don't need to know." Obi-Wan sounded as though he were trying to convince himself as much as Qui-Gon. "Please..."
Qui-Gon hesitated - Obi-Wan's skin had taken on a stark ashen hue, his breathing ragged and shallow. *Did he really need to go on with this...?...Perhaps he should end it now...?*. Tentatively he reached out through their link, touching his mind to Obi-Wan's.
Overwrought, Obi-Wan was unwittingly projecting his emotions. Qui-Gon gathered them to him - shame, anger, fear...concern? Puzzled by the latter he probed a little further...and discovered...- the concern was for him. Obi-Wan was trying to protect him? Qui-Gon felt a rush of confusion...and guilt - Was he the cause of Obi-Wan's distress?
"It's not your duty to protect me Padawan," Qui-Gon tried and failed to keep the accusatory tone from his voice.
Obi-Wan stared at him wide-eyed, "But I'm...I'm your Bond mate..."
"Yes...My *Bond mate*...*Not* my 'guardian'. We *share* what troubles us Obi-Wan-"
Obi-Wan responded with a harsh sound of disbelief, "You *never* share your troubles with me! You always tell me not to worry! Like...like I'm a child!"
"You're my Padawan!"
"I'm your Bond mate!"
They stared at each other, both breathing hard. The outburst had suffused Obi-Wan's face with indignant colour, eyes blazing green with frustration and anger. Qui-Gon gave a heavy sigh,
"You are right Obi-Wan...I...I should not try to hide my concerns from you..." Obi-Wan stared at him, obviously not expecting his agreement. "I will try to keep you more inform-" *No. That didn't sound right* He started again, all the while aware of his Padawan's stricken expression. "I will try to share my feelings with you...and ...and my worries." He met Obi-Wan's gaze squarely, "Is that what you wish?"
"I...Yes..."
"In return, I would ask that you show me the same consideration." He arched an eyebrow at his Padawan, "Agreed?" Obi-Wan had calmed a little, but at these words Qui-Gon felt another sharp spike of distress from the younger man. "Obi-Wan?-"
"Al...alright..."
Qui-Gon lowered his voice - to the same gentle, level tone he had once used to discover truths from a thirteen year old Obi-Wan. "What is it Obi-Wan? *What* - about Taogoa?"
Obi-Wan lowered his eyes, "I...I started to remember things..."
A flicker of pain crossed Qui-Gon's face before he could conceal it. He concentrated on his breathing...and the hands held within his own. "What 'things'?"
"Before...before you found me..." Obi-Wan fell silent, seemingly struggling to go on. Qui-Gon sent a wave of love and reassurance through their link. He felt the young man reach for him and he entwined the comforting tendrils around his Bond mate's mind. Obi-Wan relaxed minutely and continued, "There were voices...more than two...I think...I don't know how many..." The young man paused and looked up; Qui-Gon nodded for him to continue. "They...they took off my robe...my tunic...my boots...I tried...I tried..." The young man began to grow increasingly upset, "I *did* try...I did..."
"It's alright Obi-Wan. I know you tried-"
"No!" Obi-Wan looked away. "You...you don't understand..."
Qui-Gon closed his eyes, *No...Oh please no...!* "What Obi-Wan?" He opened his eyes again, "What don't I understand?"
"They...touched me." - small, haunted voice. "One...one of them put..." Obi-Wan drew in a deep jagged breath, "he put...he put his fingers inside me..." Gray-green eyes turned to Qui-Gon, bewildered and hurt. "How...how could I let them do that to me?!-" The young man's voice rose to an angry wail.
"No! No Obi-Wan!-"
But with a sudden burst of strength Obi-Wan pulled his hands free, and tried to scramble away. Qui-Gon shot forward and grasped the squirming youth, drawing his struggling Padawan into his arms. "Obi- Wan, you didn't *let* them do anything. You were drugged!" Obi-Wan made a half hysterical sound. "Please Obi-Wan...! -"
Obi-Wan fought him for a moment longer and then lay still. When the young man spoke his voice was tight with distress. "They...they said I would bring a good price..." Bitterness crept into the young man's tone. "Because I was *unused*...-"
Qui-Gon was helpless against the tide of grief and anger which swept over him at his Padawan's words. His mind tormented him with images - *Obi-Wan, bound and drugged...Crying out for him...Hands sliding over his Padawan's exposed, naked body...Touching...Probing ...Hurting...* Tightening his hold upon the youth, he fought back the rage which threatened to consume him.
"Did...did they?-" Qui-Gon's voice broke.
"No!-" Obi-Wan shivered violently. "No...They didn't do anything else." Obi-Wan shook his head as though trying to clear his thoughts. "One...one of them tried to...to kiss me." Qui-Gon felt his Padawan's chest heave, as the young man sucked in a ragged breath. "There was a man...he...he...struck them. He said I...I wasn't to be *spoiled*" Obi-Wan practically spat out the last word, then fell silent. Qui-Gon held his Bond mate tightly, as they both struggled to regain some semblance of control.
It was Qui-Gon who broke the silence. "You should have told me." The quiet words held no reproof, only sorrow.
"I...I know..." Obi-Wan gave a little sigh, his voice soft and sad. "But I...I knew you didn't want me to remember."
*Didn't 'want'...?* Qui-Gon felt stunned by the admission. "What *I want* isn't important-"
"It is to me!" The young man's next words were muffled against Qui- Gon's chest. "I...I know you feel responsible for...for what happened to me." Obi-Wan lifted his head, gray-green eyes regarding Qui-Gon steadily, through tear-spiked lashes. "You're not, you know."
Qui-Gon sighed heavily, "Aren't I?"
"No!" There was a fierce desperation to his Padawan's reply.
"You're my Padawan!"
"And you're my Master!...But, as you told me once, you're also only a man..."
The young man's tearful gaze pleaded for Qui-Gon to accept the wisdom of his own words. Qui-Gon smiled wryly, "Whether I failed as your Master, or as a 'man' makes little difference Obi-Wan."
Frustration poured out of the younger man."But you *didn't* fail!"
It ignited Qui-Gon's own bitter self-recrimination,"You were upset! You needed me! I should never have let you go off like that!"
"And *I* should never have gone!" Obi-Wan paused to take a few deep rapid breaths; evidently exhausted by his emotional outburst. "I...I don't blame you," another harsh gasped breath, "Why...why must you blame yourself?"
"Because...because..." Qui-Gon found himself at a loss to provide an answer.
Obi-Wan took advantage of his floundering. The Pawadan's voice was small and tight,"Do you blame me too?"
"*No*!" Qui-Gon was staggered by the question; horrified that his Padawan would even consider such a thing. "Never! Never!" He reached out and took Obi-Wan's face in his hands, brushing his thumbs over cheeks wet with tears. "W h a t h a p p e n e d t o y o u w a s * n o t * y o u r f a u l t!"
Obi-Wan stared at him sadly, "No...no perhaps not-"
"No! There is no *perhaps* about it Obi-Wan! You are *not* to blame!"
Obi-Wan seemed to consider the validity of his words, eventually shrugging in reluctant acquiescence. "Alright I'm..." the youth drew in a deep breath, "I'm not to blame."
Qui-Gon nodded, relieved.
Grey-green eyes narrowed shrewdly "But then, neither are you..."
Qui-Gon understood the point his Padawan was trying to make. They could both go on forever blaming themselves for lack of thought and foresight. However it was hard to let go of the guilt, even when he knew it served no purpose.
Ever since Naboo they seemed to have been caught in a desperate cycle; as though the Sith Lord had tainted them in some way - marking them out for sorrow and suffering. Their happiness was mired in pain and anguish; they *had* to break loose, or they would never be free of this...
"Alright," he spoke slowly; struggling to accept the truth of his own words. "I...I am not to blame."
Obi-Wan regarded him suspiciously. Qui-Gon opened himself up to his Padawan, letting the youth touch his mind - despair, sorrow, grief...and guilt - the latter slowly fading, as Qui-Gon forced himself to relinquish it. Obi-Wan's mind whispered against his, a delicate soothing balm to his suffering. He tried to return the mental embrace - and felt the young man shy away. Qui-Gon waited, patiently, and slowly Obi-Wan responded to his touch. Cautiously Qui-Gon reached out into his Padawan's mind - pain, fear, anguish...guilt and sorrow. He let the comforting tendrils of his presence brush against his Padawan's grief - wearing away the harsh edges, crumbling the guilt to nothingness...
Eventually they withdrew - feeling strangely both drained and strengthened by the experience.
Qui-Gon met his Padawan's tear-bright eyes with his own, //I *love* you, Obi-Wan. Nothing ever can...or ever will, change that. //. He repeated his promise without words - kissing Obi-Wan with tender thoroughness. He felt Obi-Wan's own, silent avowal through their link.
Qui-Gon broke the kiss reluctantly, gently drawing his thumb across his Padawan's bottom lip, "Now, you *must* rest."
Guiding Obi-Wan back down onto the blankets, he noticed the young man's flushed cheeks with a sharp twinge of alarm. Quickly masking his concern, Qui-Gon let his fingers tarry against his Padawan's skin - feeling the first stirrings of fever. Obi-Wan looked at him quizzically and he forced out a reassuring smile, "*Rest*" Qui-Gon moved his hand away, "I'm going to check on the water unit." He turned to leave, then paused, glancing back anxiously, "You'll be alright alone?"
The look Obi-Wan gave him was part amused, part exasperated. "I'll be fine."
Qui-Gon still hesitated - the Bond they shared protesting even this, brief separation. He darted back and placed a quick kiss against Obi- Wan's warm forehead. "I won't be long." Then, before he could change his mind, he ducked out of the shelter.
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14