Restored Chapter XIX
by Esmeralda
Just before dawn Qui-Gon awoke. The fire had long since gone out, and the camp lay silent in silver-blue shadows. Some way down the shore Obi-Wan stood, staring out across the lake. Feeling a ripple of disquiet, Qui-Gon wrapped a blanket around his body and wandered down the shore to join his Bond mate.
The stones were smooth and cold beneath his bare feet; some shifted slightly as he walked effortlessly across their uneven surface. Obi-Wan turned as he approached, and Qui-Gon relaxed a little at the faint, welcoming smile. When he reached his Padawan's side, the young man sat down. Qui-Gon followed suit, tucking the blanket under his hips.
Moments passed before Obi-Wan finally spoke. "When...When we were there. I-I kept thinking." He sucked in a ragged breath. "All I'd learnt. All my training...My knowledge...My *abilities*. Even the Force." He shook his head, his voice bitter. "All of it *useless*." He looked at Qui-Gon, who watched sadly as the young man's anger faded into weary disillusionment. "I-I couldn't stop him. I couldn't *do* **anything**!...I begged...I-" Obi-Wan drew in another sharp breath, clearly battling for control. "I *pleaded* with him..."
The shame in the young man's voice tore at Qui-Gon. He chose his words carefully. "The Force is only our ally, Obi-Wan. Not our protector. It has chosen us as a vessel for its power. Yet it is not the sum total of our strength. We have skills and knowledge. Yet we are not infallible, or invulnerable. All our lives we are still learning. Sometimes all that we *can* do is survive. But this is not a weaknesses. Survival, especially at the cost of sacrifice, can be the most difficult challenge of all."
Obi-Wan's emotions warred across his face, a desperate conflict churning within him. The youth clearly wanted to believe Qui-Gon, and yet he was resisting - holding on to the guilt and the shame.
Qui-Gon met Obi-Wan's eyes steadily. "There is *no* disgrace in what you did Obi-Wan. *You* are not at fault. You are in *no way* to blame for *anything* that happened."
Obi-Wan remained silent, struggling to absorb what Qui-Gon was saying.
Qui-Gon reached out through the Bond link and immediately sensed other, more worrying emotions stirring within Obi-Wan. "We cannot hold on to our hate, my Padawan." His tone was gentle.
Obi-Wan looked away. "I-I know," he said. His voice tight with emotion. "But...But it's just so hard." The young man plucked at his leggings absently, playing nervously with the rough weave. "When I killed the Sith. I...I felt pleasure." A guilty whisper. Obi-Wan wouldn't meet Qui- Gon's gaze.
"And this troubles you?" Qui-Gon asked calmly.
It was a statement rather than a question, but Obi-Wan answered it. He looked up, shocked. "*Of course!*"
"Because you *knew* it to be wrong." Qui-Gon pointed out evenly.
Obi-Wan's brow wrinkled in confusion. "Then...then because I *knew* that I shouldn't feel pleasure at his death. Because I felt guilty. That makes it alright?" Clearly Obi-Wan didn't believe it.
Qui-Gon shook his head. "No, Padawan. It is *never* right to enjoy another's pain or suffering, or to take pleasure in a death. However we still *have* emotions. We would be poor Jedi without them. But because of the power which lies within us, we must guard against being consumed by them. We may still feel pain, fear, anger, perhaps at times even hate, but we must *never* let our emotions control us or guide our actions. You killed the Sith in anger and hate - Yes?"
Obi-Wan nodded miserably.
"Do you still hate him?" Qui-Gon asked.
"I am glad that he is dead." Obi-Wan responded without hesitation. The set of his mouth implied he was far more than simply 'glad'.
"But do you *hate* him?" Qui-Gon persisted.
Obi-Wan fell silent a moment. The question was clearly not one he had expected, and he was evidently giving it careful consideration. At length the young man looked up, his expression cautious. "No...No...I-I pity him. He was strong in the Force, I could feel it."
Qui-Gon nodded encouragingly.
Obi-Wan continued a little more confidently. " I think he would have been a powerful Jedi, but the Darkside had consumed him. I...I pity him for what he could never understand. For what he could never have."
Qui-Gon's eyes shone with approval and he took hold of Obi-Wan's hand, linking their fingers.
Obi-Wan smiled and then shivered lightly, his smile vanishing. "I do not think I can ever pity R-Rigel."
"No." Qui-Gon's tone was flat.
Obi-Wan glanced at the older man sharply, clearly pity for such a monster was beyond even his Master's grasp. Perhaps this was a scar they would both have to carry.
However, understanding was also edging its way through the bitterness. "I need to release my hatred, my anger." Obi-Wan spoke with conviction.
"Yes."
Obi-Wan chewed at his lip nervously. "Will you help me?"
Qui-Gon smiled and squeezed his Padawan's hand gently. "Always."
"Can...can I help you?" Obi-Wan asked hesitantly.
"Always." Qui-Gon smiled at his Bond mate with the reassurance of his love. He held the edges of the blanket open in a clear invitation. Obi- Wan's face broke into a shy smile - one tinged with relief - and he moved to sit between Qui-Gon's parted legs, leaning back against the older man. Qui-Gon drew the edges of the blanket over his lover's bare shoulders and wrapped his arms around him, holding him close.
Epilogue
Obi-Wan gazed out across the lake, feeling the heat of Qui-Gon's body against his back. The older man's breath hot upon his neck. He sighed, his eyes closing in contentment.
Some anxieties remained; worries still gnawed at him. He knew he would carry the scar of his memories from this life to the next, but held in the warm embrace of his Master's arms, he no longer felt the cold.
The End.
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