Eating Crowe
PAIRING: Bobby/John/ Logan/Scott. Okay, so I have a
fixation.
Rating: R. Homosexuality, Humour, Low-Flying In-Jokes.
DISCLAIMER: All and Sundry yanked from the sculpted
man-teats of Bryan Singer, 2oth Century Fox and Marvel
Comics. But if I'm ever declared legally sane again,
They'll play misty for me...
SUMMARY: Out Boys Night ...er, Boy's Night Out... at
the movies.
SPOILERS: It's a cookbook! it's a cookbook!
FEEDBACK: Look kid- If you don't
send me feedback, you'll regret it; maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow, but someday. And maybe the
feedback of just two people doesn't amount to a hill
of beans in this crazy world, but if those two people
are Shawn Ashmore and Chris Evans from Not Another
Teen Movie, I'll be gettin' on that plane...
Romero: "Who in their right mind would store frozen
corpses in the walk-in fridge of a frathouse?"
Carpenter: "How the Hell should I know? Walt Disney?"
-NIGHT OF THE CREEPS
"Hey, I've got no problem with G-Rated movies;
as long as there's plenty of sex and violence..."
-ELVIRA: MISTRESS OF THE DARK
"There's no such thing as Necessary Nudity in
films, unless you make a movie called BEFORE THERE
WERE CLOTHES."
-David Duchovny
"People ask me; how do you become a star?
-First you're a cloud of dense gas in space,
-then you cool..."
-Milton Berle
"It's how much?"
"...Our MegaJumbo softdrinks are ten dollars, sir."
"Mhhmmm. I'm just putting out feelers here, but you do realise that's only two dollars less than the movie ticket?"
"...Yes, sir."
"And this in no way appears to you to be blatant daylight robbery?"
"...The price includes a bonus gift, sir."
"The star of my choice from any of the movies currently showing giving me a personal erotic massage during the trailers would be the only one worth that pri- what is that?"
"...It's your complementary movie figurine, sir. Your choice of ET: The Extra Terrest..."
"Pass... freaked out much by alien foetuses with glowing intestines..."
"...Peter Parker from SPIDERMAN?"
"Mmmmmm... I'm not really keen on him. Tobey's got those huge, witchy eyes and that haircut Pacey would balk at... he looks to me like the guinea pig that they made first to test the equipment when they engineered Wes Bentley."
"...Or Wolverine..."
"Oh. My. God. Allerdyce! Man, c'mere- you have got to see this!"
"-Drake? You're still at the snack-bar? The others have already picked their flick."
"Dare I ask?"
"-Miss Munro took Miss Grey to MONSTER'S BALL."
"That's the third time! Must be pretty good."
"-Yeah; I tried to ask Miss Munro about it, but she just kept babbling and weeping and thanking people. I didn't understand a word she said, and she kept calling me Sidney."
"Weird. So what about the others?"
"-Hank went for BEAUTY & THE BEAST."
"Again? He's not still thinking about that lawsuit, is he? The thing's not even blue, for fuck's sake!"
"-Well, he was at Disneyland's science wing when the animators for B & B were brainstorming. And remember how after he'd made the repairs they wanted, they kept calling him back for those odd little reasons? "The Liquid Nitrogen's leaking..." "His moustache defrosted..." "I thought I heard him singing Hakuna Matata"? And they kept asking him to stand at different angles, with all different facial expressions... and that time they got him to dance with a jug and a candelabra..."
"Yeah, maybe. What about Scott and Logan?"
"-They're round back, fucking near a bunch of posters. If anyone spots them, they've bribed that cute usher to tell them they're a two-headed animatronic alien from MEN IN BLACK 2."
"Jubes n' Marie?"
"-KATE & LEOPOLD. Y'know Drake, if the wind changes, your face will stay like that."
"I'll risk it. Why would anyone willingly expose themselves to ninety minutes of Gehenna's Cheerleader?"
"-Breckin's shirtless scene?"
"I'd need a whole Full Monty chorus line of Breckins doing a tribute to the orgasm scene of WHEN HARRY MET SALLY before I'd even consider facing the Perky Antichrist."
"-The Aussie guy's cute, too."
"You would say that, Allerdyce."
"-Hey! I chortled at Russell's "Roman" accent just as loud as you!"
"You just wanted to get your hands on my Gluteus, Maximus..."
"-Am I that transparent?"
"I thought that was my amusing bedroom trick. But strip off and I'll tell you."
"-You're just trying to cover up that you were oggling that Aussie beefburger just as much as I was."
"Hey- I freely admit to having warped standards; I actually let you talk me into watching HOWLING 3: THE MARSUPIALS."
"-That film is an Aussie cult classic!"
"And remind me again why you've never become a Super-Power?"
"-Grr... Just you wait, Drake. Someday we'll go nuclear, and it'll be all Savage Garden tribute bands and Paul Hogan movie marathons 'til the numbats come home! I'll have you eating Vegemite like axel grease!"
"Same difference, really."
"-Well, you've got me there."
"....Sir? um, Sirs? Do you want the Wolverine doll or not?"
"Oh hey, yeah! Allerdyce, check this out!"
"-Is that supposed to be who I think it's supposed to be?"
"Tiny little plastic Logan, meet Pyro, my other half."
"-Bobby, remember when I said movies don't scare me? When I laughed at you for throwing out Warren's John Denver cds after FINAL DESTINATION? And when I called you a pussy for unplugging the phone and not going near our porn video collection for a week after RING? Well, I'm scared now. I'm traumatised. This doll is scarier than Chucky. Or Lambchop."
"It is pretty... unique. Look how much body hair they've given him! I mean, I know he's pretty insulated all right,, but this figurine makes Logan look like that bald guy from Next Generation!"
"-William Shatner?"
"Yeah, I guess; and look at those -objects- sprouting from his fingers; they're too thick and blunted to look like his claws..."
"-It looks like he's coming at us brandishing a fistful of dildos!"
"Wouldn't be the first time."
"-This is true..."
"Well, now that we've been thoroughly disturbed by six inches of badly painted plastic, I guess we can go to our film."
"-Drake, we've spent so much time here flapping our gums that the only thing not booked out is the ANIMORPHS movie."
"Well, Jake's cute, but why don't we just go to the backseat of the X-Van and make our own raw footage?"
"-You looking for your own Oscar for Best Technical Achievement?"
"There's only one little bronzed nude guy I wanna get my hands on right now, and I'm lookin' at him, Allerdyce. Let's go."
"...Sirs?! Wait!You haven't paid for the ice in your softdrink!"
"Pay for ice? I never pay for ice!"
"...Look, I know you and your boyfriend are mutants- I can call securit..."
BWWWWZHHHAAAAAAAM!
"There's yer ice!"
"-Drake!"
"Don't worry- he'll thaw out in about ten minutes. And who knows? Maybe it'll help sell a few more tickets to ICE AGE..."