Mister St John's Sense-uality For Sleet
PAIRING: Bobby/Every other guy I can think of...
RATING: R. Homosexuality, Lunacy, Thermal Underwear.
SPOILERS: She leaves on the plane, but they'll always
have Paris
SUMMARY: Cold Hands, warm... other areas.
DISCLAIMER: Marvel Comics, 2oth Century Fox and Bryan
Singer see, hear and own all. But I let the X-Boys out
on weekends to play with their genitals.
"Aaaaargh! Not water! I'm allergic to water!
-It makes me melt!"
-Wicked Witch of the West, THE WIZ
"I have a good relationship with Ice"
-MISS SMILLA'S SENSE FOR SNOW
"I'd just like to remind everybody-
we're in the Artic..."
-Fox Mulder (stripping naked), XF: "Ice"
-The average core body temperature of the Human Being (Homo sapiens sapiens) is 34.7 degrees Celsius. The average core body temperature of the Mutant (Homo superior) is 36 degrees Celsius. Bobby Drake's temperature was measured at 5 and 6 degrees Celsius. A third attempt to pinpoint the figure exactly resulted in Dr Jean Grey's thermometer being lodged, frozen, up her right nostril.
It should be noted that since this data was recorded, Dr Grey now uses only oral thermometers.
Jellyfish (Cnidareae) are 96 percent water. Both H. sapiens and H. superior are 65 percent water.
Bobby Drake is 73 percent water.
-Rumours that an H. sapiens, one Senator Robert Kelly, managed to achieve a 100 percent water content remain unproven. Dr Hank McCoy reportedly took a sample of the so-called 'Kelly-Jelly' to Congress, but it was accidentally ingested by President George W Bush to wash down a stubborn pretzel.
The blood of most invertebrates is not red, as it lacks haemoglobin, an iron-based protein that oxygenates corpuscles (note that mosquitoes do not count, as any blood collected invariably turns out to belong to the researcher). Human and Mutant blood contains haemoglobin, giving it the characteristic red colour and ferrous taste.
Bobby Drake's blood does contain haemoglobin, but also another protein, a piscine enzyme that acts as intravenal antifreeze so that the blood keeps circulating at temperatures that would freeze a walruses' nuts off. This protein is not usually found outside of some Antarctic fishes (Lamprey Family), Penguins (Auk Family) and Amusement Park Patriarchs (Disney Family).
-It is not known whether Bobby's blood tastes of iron. Approached for comment on his friend's bodily fluids, team-mate St John Allerdyce merely stated that some of them were "kinda salty".
When frozen solid, all forms of vertebrate life die regardless of whether or not they are defrosted, as ice crystals in the cells melt into liquid water which ruptures cell walls.
(Note that this may explain Dr Jean Grey's emotionless, frozen demeanor and her dramatic aversion to heat sources)
Certain insects, such as cave crickets, wetas and some cockroaches, allow themselves to freeze in Winter and thaw out, alive and well, in Spring.
Bobby Drake can freeze and thaw himself on request. No cricket or cockroach DNA was found in his genes during our thorough examination or equally thorough though arguably unnecessary cavity search. Mr Scott Summers, a teacher at Professor Charles Xavier's School For Gifted Youngsters, is on record as saying however that Bobby "Sure as fuck chirps like a cricket when I slide an index finger just so up into his..."
(Mr Summers here remembered a prior engagement)
Immersion in water of less than six degrees above freezing is fatal to most organisms within 3 minutes. Elephant seals, however, regularly dive in frigid water, protected by several tons of insulating blubber. Polar bears gain similar protection from their thick coats.
(For further studies on coarse fur aiding in temperature insulation, see 'Application of Glacial MeltWater to the Baldwin Brothers (Basinger, 1998)')
Bobby Drake routinely bathes in water only a half degree above freezing, with no ill effects. Repeated temperature readings were taken with the same result, due to an inexhaustible supply of Bobby's bathwater, donated by Scott Summers.
"I've got gallons of the stuff; I gargle with it, use it as cologne...heck, sometimes, when Lo' and I run out of lube, I just sneak over to Bobby's bathroom and..."
(Mr Summers here remembered a further prior engagement)
Bobby Drake does not appear to have any layers of subcutaneous blubber. When asked, he merely responded "You mean my ass looks fat in these jeans?"
During harsh periods of cold, the instinct of medium to large carnivores (ie- Bears, cougars,and especially the mustelidae- weasels, wolverines, martens and stoats) is to burrow beneath the ice and form a warmly insulated burrow, with an attached larder full of meat to prevent starvation.
For two to four days each month, the localised weather patterns over the Xavier School become markedly nasty with heavy rain, hail, tornados- the whole meteorological grab bag.
(See attached memo in which Dr Hank McCoy links these bad weather days to the menstrual cycle of one Ororo Munro)
(Note also that shortly after voicing this theory, Dr McCoy's extra body shampoo was switched with an industrial strength depilatory agent by persons unknown)
During these periods, Bobby Drake's room is invariably invaded by a small and hairy creature with large claws (exact species identification is impossible to determine, as none of our researchers could be convinced to get close enough) which digs a large hole into Bobby's bedroom floor, grabs Bobby, an electric blanket, a box of hamburger patties, and a jumbo tub of loganberry flavoured lubricant, and retreats into the burrow until the bad weather clears.
Bobby Drake is unable to describe what happens down the burrow during these monthly intervals, as for most of the week after he simply walks- or more often, limps- around the mansion with a dreamy smile on his face, smelling of loganberry and Caribou steak.
Approached for comment, Mr Logan, the School's... actually, we're not quite sure what function Logan serves at the school- I suppose he could be some kind of mascot- anyway, when approached, he could shed no further light on the matter, save describing some interesting biological details on the similarity of snowflakes and semen at low temperatures "It's just like being caught in a blizzard when that little icecube shoots his lo-"
(Here Logan remembered a prior engagement with Scott).
Approached for a final comment, all four men- Bobby Drake, St John Allerdyce, Scott Summers and Logan Justloganbub referred this researcher to a place known only as "The Danger Room" where I would get my final answer. Oddly, though, there doesn't seem to be anything here except a really big laser, pointing right at m-
The End