Whine And Dine
DESCRIPTION: Wolverine and Sabretooth get mooky? It must be sillyfic.
RATING: PG (Astounding, isn't it?)
DISCLAIMER: X-Men characters belong to Marvel Comics. That is, they
do until they are unchained by the Slash Liberation Front! Run free,
little characters! Free as the wind blows!
ADDITIONAL DISCLAIMER: The person responsible for the above
disclaimer has been fired. We here at iSani's International House of
Slash apologize for any inconvenience this sudden and regrettable
outburst may have caused you. Thank you for your attention.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW, IT'S A DISCLAIMER: No money is being made out of
this work. The opinions expressed within may not represent those of
Logan or Victor, although they damn well should.
EXALTAION AND SALUTATIONS to Alyx, who did the beta.
"Oh Bright Lady, give me strength..."
Of all the times Ororo had seen Logan, this was the first when he looked civilized. Sure, he still wore his trademark frown, but all the clothes looked brand-new. They all even matched the "in" colors of the season. Heading down the hall to the main entrance was a new and improved Wolverine.
"So Logan, I see Charles has already told you."
There was only one explanation she could think of for this strange behavior. It appeared that Logan took social occasions more seriously than she had thought.
"Told me what?"
Logan looked genuinely puzzled. So maybe that wasn't it.
"You didn't know? He's offered to take everybody out for dinner to celebrate the successful mission."
Logan smiled smugly. Not that he ever smiled any other way.
"Can't tonight, 'Ro. I've got other plans."
"Involving tender moments between a man and his bike, I'm sure."
"No, really. I'm meeting Sabretooth."
Funny outfit to wear to a fight, Ororo thought. Still, each X-Man had the responsibility to look after the others. This counted double when it came to a loose cannon like Logan.
"Logan, you know we are a team."
"So ya keep telling me"
"You can't just go out and fight him without telling the others. You're an X-Man."
"Look, it's a date."
Now Ororo was the puzzled one. Logan seemed satisfied at the reaction.
"By date you mean...?"
"Oh, a nice meal, some good conversation, and we'll see what comes up."
She was hearing this, all right. She just couldn't believe it was happening.
"Sabretooth? The same Sabretooth who's nearly killed you and me not too long ago?"
"That's the one."
"Why?"
"Well, damn. It must be love."
Logan flashed a final smug grin before marching out through the front door. Ororo stood fixed to the spot, still not believing a word of what she had heard. First thing in the morning, she would have her hearing and his head examined.
In a sterile metal lair not all that far away, Toad headed for the bathroom. He was somewhat dismayed to find it occupied. He instantly concluded that the only one inside could be Mystique. After all, Magneto had his personal Jacuzzi and the lair hadn't been broken into lately.
As he noticed the door wasn't locked the voyeur in Toad reared its green head. He couldn't help wondering which form she bathed in. He cracked open the door, trying to make out something through the steam.
Showering in the steel tub was a mass of muscle and fur. In fact, it looked surprisingly like Victor. The woman obviously lacked imagination.
"Toad."
He jumped. Behind him stood the blue shape-shifter, looking as impish as ever. How the hell did she manage to sneak up on people like that?
"Hi. Um, wait. If you're there, that's..."
Either Creed was taking a shower or Mystique had suddenly sprouted a twin sister. He couldn't decide which option was less likely. The words "Sabretooth" and "shower" had never appeared in the same thought together. Not without a "needs to" in between, at least.
"It's Victor. Must be an exciting experience for him."
"What's going on? Did the boss tell him to do it or something?"
"If you must know, he's going on a date. I promised to help him prepare."
More unlikely combinations. Toad just had to chuckle.
"Him. On a date. Who's he going to take out? A grizzly?"
Her hand changed. Three familiar metal claws shot out from between her knuckles. It was enough to make Toad's jaw drop.
"You're kidding. Tell me you're kidding."
"Think of it this way: who else would survive him? Now if you'll excuse me, I have a tiger to tame."
She slinked past him into the bathroom. There was a makeover in there just waiting to happen.
Back at the mansion, Ororo considered her options. It was more than probable that Logan hadn't been serious. On the other hand, it was best to establish that this was indeed the case. Who knew, he might even have been under some kind of mind control. Ororo was usually not one to gossip, but she reminded herself that she only had Logan's best interest in mind.
In the Medlab, Jean was stirring some green concoction in an Erlenmeyer flask. Nearby, a tray of test tubes was happily bubbling away. She looked a hunchback assistant short of having created life.
"Jean, have you noticed anything unusual about Logan recently?"
"Apart from wanting to shop for clothes, no."
"That part I already know."
Jean put down the flask and adjusted her glasses. Something about her pose just had "long day" written all over it.
"He told you? We spent the entire afternoon at the mall. It was kind of bizarre picking out matching items for him."
"I'm sorry, I must have something wrong with my hearing today. What did you say you did?"
"Do you think he'd end up in a silk shirt all on his own?"
Jean picked up a test tube and examined the contents in a routine motion. Ororo couldn't help feeling she was being ignored.
"But... what do you think of it?"
"I think it's kind of cute."
"Cute?"
For the second time today, Ororo couldn't believe what she was hearing. Was there some unknown PSI-force running rampant in the Mansion? That might account for how everyone was behaving.
"Yes, don't you think? From what he told me, it sounded like he's finally found someone special."
It finally hit Ororo what was going on. The poor woman didn't have a clue.
"Jean, do you realize what you've done?"
"I..."
"If I'm correct, that somebody special is Sabretooth."
Jean froze, almost dropping the test tube. She then whipped off her glasses in a theatrical effect.
"We've got to stop him."
There really was no easy way to tell your boss that his henchman was going out with an X-Man.
"Um, you know about Victor..."
"What is it now?"
In his study, the self-appointed Master of Magnetism was presently engaged in building a castle out of paper clips. It took a considerable amount of concentration to keep all the little pieces in place by magnetism alone.
"He's gone out. Socially."
"Indeed? That is certainly out of the ordinary. It is anyone who could be converted to join the cause?"
"I don't think so. It's that Wolverine guy."
"WHAT did you say?"
The room shook as Magneto's astonishment and rage manifested themselves onto the metal walls. Toad had to dodge the clips that flew in all directions like miniature missiles. He didn't look up until everything sounded safe again.
"Look, Mystique had him all groomed and everything. I think he's already gone."
For some reason, Magneto's frown suddenly got a mischievous tinge to it.
"It's a match made in Valhalla, wouldn't you say?"
Toad didn't reply. Magneto looked like he was about to deliver another of his monologues, and any interruption might bring about an additional shower of paper clips.
"In any case, this is practically treason. It seems you just cannot trust anyone to be loyal these days. Obviously, we'll have to stop him."
Working at the front desk of The Rusty Parrot, Sean was no stranger to discretion. After all, The Parrot held in pride its eclectic clientele. It was a restaurant for interesting people, and the level of interest was maintained by a curious seating policy: there was always a free table for colorful characters. Even mutants were welcome, provided of course that their powers weren't harmful to the other customers.
At the moment, a yeti in a suit and tie claimed to have a reservation for nine o'clock. Sean paused and gave a judging look at the tall man who seemed uncomfortable in the obviously new outfit.
His claws certainly did look fierce, but no worse than on some of the female customers. The shorter man beside him had a more relaxed designer shirt on. He seemed more at ease with himself, but Sean got the impression that it might not be wise to argue with him.
This couple certainly fell within The Parrot's definition of interesting. As long as they behaved themselves, Sean would naturally provide them with a table. Still, he would make sure they were discreetly seated at a safe location.
He wondered if they'd need utensils.
His name was Jules and he would be their host for the evening. With an air of courteous determination, the waiter led them up a rustic double staircase. There wasn't strictly speaking a second floor to the restaurant, but a horseshoe-shaped balcony. Starting from the stairs, it reached around the whole dining area below until finally joining the stairs again.
A table was set for them at the middle point of the balcony. All the other tables on this level were conspicuously empty. Apparently, the point was to have them sitting as far from the other customers as possible.
It was easily the trendiest place either of them had dined in. As they sat down, Jules handed them menus written in multiple languages, none of which were English. With a swift hand movement, he lit the single candle that stood on the table. As he left, Logan was the first to speak.
"Well, isn't this a nice, secluded hideaway."
"I think they're afraid of us."
"They had better, a pair of studly beasts like us."
They were finally together in a setting outside the usual fights and chases. It had taken quite an amount of fighting for them to figure out that what they really wanted to do was to mate. Now that Jules had taken their order, they had to find a way to get the conversation rolling.
An anxious silence filled the air. Logan decided to try and break the ice.
"I like the hair."
Victor considered the comment. Mystique had told him that even Norse warriors wore braided hair. There couldn't be anything unmanly about it, then. And Logan seemed to like it, which was the main point.
"I like your... claws."
He wasn't good at complimenting people, but at least he tried.
"Yer not seeing them right now."
"Yeah, but they're way cool. I wish mine were retractable."
Just as Sean was pondering whether the clientele could get any more interesting tonight, his question was promptly answered. A new couple entered through the front door, this one also consisting of two men. There was an older gentleman who wore a cape and a pseudo-Roman helmet of some kind. In brief, he appeared to have walked off an adult feature for alternative audiences.
His companion was more sensibly clothed in heavy fabrics and fingerless mittens. It was a shame about the warts, but the green hair was a nice touch. Sean flashed his well-practiced smile.
"Table for two?"
"We'll seat ourselves, if you don't mind."
The distinguished but stern tone of voice made it all too clear what would happen if Sean did mind. He promptly stood aside. The two entered the dining area, apparently looking for someone.
Back at the table, Logan and Victor were unaware that anything unusual was going on downstairs. Jules had just delivered them the opening courses, and was currently pouring some house red.
The evening was passing more smoothly that either had expected. In fact, Logan was quite astounded at how well mannered Victor was tonight. Never mind that his claws were impairing his use of utensils, he seemed to truly make an effort to appear to appear cultured.
"So where'd ya leave the pod?"
"Huh?"
"Vic, why are ya acting all human tonight?"
"Wanted to impress you."
Well, that he certainly did. All the impressions Victor had previously left behind had been in the shape of a fist.
"I think I liked ya better as a beast."
"Well, I can kill the waiter if you like."
Trained for unerring perfection as he was, Jules still dropped the bottle. Logan caught it just before it would have spilled, then handed it back. He tried to look nonchalant.
"He's just kidding."
Logan shot a questioning look at Victor. He had better be kidding.
"I know, I know. Don't kill the innocent. Boring."
At the front desk, two women were attempting to get a table. One of them wore a red sequined dress, which complemented nicely the color of her hair. The other had a more ethnic appearance to her selection of clothing.
"Jean, are you sure?"
"I can feel him clearly."
It was an unwritten rule at The Parrot that Exotic Beauty counted as an interesting characteristic. Sean would have been glad to show them to a table had it not been for a slight problem.
"I truly am sorry, but we cannot seat you on the balcony tonight."
The woman with white hair was for some reason insistent that upstairs was indeed they only place they wanted to be tonight.
"There's hardly anyone there."
"Yes, but I can assure you you'll find downstairs preferable tonight."
"We'll be the judge of that."
Suddenly the woman in red gasped audibly. It didn't take much effort for Sean to deduce that Mr. Roman Helmet ascending the stairs was the cause of this. The outfit did indeed show appalling fashion sense.
The woman quickly grasped her companion by the arm and pulled her towards the other staircase.
"Ororo, it's HIM."
"Oh, good. Go get him and we'll take our leave."
"No, you don't understand. Magneto's here."
The two women glanced at each other. Having made up their minds, they rushed up the stairs. Sean concluded it was perhaps wisest to just let them have their way.
Logan looked up from his soup, his nostrils flaring.
"I smell trouble."
"Hey, the chow's all right."
"No. Don't look now but it's the Evil Queen of Magnetism."
Magneto and Toad made their way up the right side staircase with a purposeful stride. Despite Logan's orders, Victor turned to look.
"Hey, the red and platinum X-Chicks are there too. Must come from a bottle."
On the left staircase, Jean and Ororo ascended with an equally important look to them.
The two pairs approached the third on opposite sides of the balcony. All at once, they noticed each other across the room. Angry looks were shot between the rivaling intervention teams. Any moment now, the cutlery would start flying.
Logan stood up from his chair. The intruders stopped.
"Vic, stay put. I'll handle this."
"No way. I wanna get part of the action."
"The only action yer having tonight is with me. Now sit."
In response, Victor let out a disappointed growl that in no way resembled a pout.
Logan leaned against the railing, eyeing the intruders on two sides of the room. He'd kept a calm composure all evening, but now it took considerable effort to keep his claws in. How dare they just come barging in like that?
"Logan, just walk away from the table and everything will be fine."
Ororo and Magneto were both on their sides attempting to take control of the situation.
"You get here this instant, you ungrateful traitor! After everything I've done for you, you go and run off with that cretin!"
Jean got in with a remark of her own.
"Hey, nobody calls him a cretin, you murderous hypocrite!"
"Me? Hypocrite? You people considered it proper to electrocute and otherwise maim fellow mutants."
"Yeah! Take that!"
Toad wasn't the most verbose of participants. Logan watched the exchange with growing amusement.
"Separatist!"
"Conformist!"
"Drama queen!"
"Witch!"
At that moment, Logan finally exposed his claws. As intended, everyone fell silent.
"Do ya people mind? We're trying to have a nice, romantic moment here. If ya lot want to fight, ya can do it outside."
Miraculously, the four of them said the exact same thing.
"But..."
"No buts. Now scram."
A sudden thunderstorm had broken out outside. Had either of the two looked through the window, they would have seen garbage cans flung around in rivalry between magnetism and telekinesis. If fact, they might even have seen how adept Toad had become at dodging lightning bolts. But neither did look outside. They had far better things to do.
Jules approached with their main courses. His body language mimicked that of a frightened rabbit with astounding accuracy.
While maintaining a minimum premise of courtesy, he deposited the steaming plates onto the table. Feeling lucky to get away to get away with his life, he quickly turned to scurry away.
"Excuse me."
Cursing his unlucky stars, the waiter turned back to face Victor.
"Y-yes, sir?"
"Could you make sure those people don't bother us anymore?"
Victor gave his most endearing smile. It didn't amount to much.
Too frightened to speak, the poor waiter just gave a nod before running back to the kitchen. Someone else would have to handle serving dessert, because his nerves certainly weren't going to stand it. He would switch to waiting at some far less interesting restaurant.
"Vic, ya really shouldn't smile at people."
In return, Victor did exactly that. Logan couldn't help but smile back. For a moment, they just sat there, looking at each other and grinning like crazy. It wasn't such a bad feeling.
"You're the only one who makes me smile."
The sarcasm in his voice was only slight, but it was enough to make Logan chuckle.
"Ooh, that earned ya so much nookie right there."
"Thought it would."
Logan's fancy began to drift away as he pictured said nookie. He was brought back to the present by the feeling of a boot brushing against his leg. It didn't seem dignified to play footsie under the table with your former nemesis. But it was fun.
"Yer actually enjoying this, aren't ya?"
"Damn, blew my cover."
Failing spectacularly at trying to appear disgruntled, Victor raised a glass.
"Well, here's to us."
"To us."
With enemies like these, who needed friends?
The End